I feel bad about the fact that I can't be in New York again for Jim's Birthday (mostly because I'm going to miss the Animaniacs marathon and the Rum Punch; I saw Jim just last year).

However, since I'm not going to be there, I wanted to share a few things that you might make for Jim if you see him.

If you're in the mood to make Jim something with an Asian influence, but requires no serious effort beyond a shopping trip, go with...

Thai Cucumber Relish

Combine the following in a saucepan:

• 1/2 cup distilled white vinegar
• 1/2 cup white or brown sugar
• 1 large hothouse type cucumber (1#)
• 2-3 Thai chilled (phrik khee nu) minced
• 1/4 cup peanuts, roasted, unsalted and chopped
• 3 cup cilantro leaves and stems, chopped

Boil sugar, vinegar, and salt in small sauce pan to dissolve. This will take less than a minute. Let the mixture cool to room temperature.
Peel the cucumber, cut in half lengthwise, thinly slice. Combine with the sugar mixture in a bowl, carefully mix. You can add the optional peanuts and cilantro at this time.
This must be made just before serving or the cucumbers will not be crisp.
If you must use regular cucumbers, please remove the seeds by scooping them out prior to slicing.
Makes 1 1/2 cups

I admit though, this requires the use of things like...stove's and pans and words like dissolve, so if you're feeling lazier, you can always make him a sandwich.

Jim's Roast Beef Sandwich

• Thin Sliced Roast Beef
• Rye Bread
• Russian Dressing
• Munster Cheese
• Pickles

Combine ingredients in the order: bread, roast beef, pickles, cheese, dressing, bread. Slice into two triangles with a single diagonal slice, serve.

If you are willing to go the extra mile for Jim, well, he's a big fan of Dumplings.

Chinese Style Steamed Dumplings

• Jiaozi dough:
• 3 cups all-purpose flour
• up to 1 1/4 cups cold water
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• Filling:
• 1 cup ground pork or beef
• 1 TB soy sauce
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 TB Chinese rice wine or dry sherry
• 1/4 teaspoon freshly ground white pepper, or to taste
• 3 TB sesame oil
• 1/2 green onion, finely minced
• 1 1/2 cups finely shredded Napa cabbage
• 4 tablespoons shredded bamboo shoots
• 2 slices fresh ginger, finely minced
• 1 clove garlic, peeled and finely minced

Preparation:

Stir the salt into the flour. Slowly stir in the cold water, adding as much as is necessary to form a smooth dough. Don't add more water than is ncessary. Knead the dough into a smooth ball. Cover the dough and let it rest for at least 30 minutes.

While the dough is resting, prepare the filling ingredients. Add the soy sauce, salt, rice wine and white pepper to the meat, stirring in only one direction. Add the remaining ingredients, stirring in the same direction, and mix well.

To make the dumpling dough: knead the dough until it forms a smooth ball. Divide the dough into 60 pieces. Roll each piece out into a circle about 3-inches in diameter.

Place a small portion (about 1 level tablespoon) of the filling into the middle of each wrapper. Wet the edges of the dumpling with water. Fold the dough over the filling into a half moon shape and pinch the edges to seal. Continue with the remainder of the dumplings.

To cook, bring a large pot of water to a boil. Add half the dumplings, giving them a gentle stir so they don't stick together. Bring the water to a boil, and add 1/2 cup of cold water. Cover and repeat. When the dumplings come to a boil for a third time, they are ready. Drain and remove. If desired, they can be pan-fried at this point.

For those wanting to REALLY go over the top, I advise you to create 6 kinds of dumplings and use food coloring in the dough to distinguish them. Green Vegetable Dumplings, Off-White Chicken Dumplings, Pink Shrimp Dumplings, Tan Pork Dumplings, Orange Beef Dumplings and Purple Seafood Cheese Dumplings.

Some people might even be willing to go all out for Jim (note: I've never met one of these people, but simply posit the theory that they might exist). You could make him:

Peking Duck

• One 5 to 6 pound duck
• 8 cups water
• 1 slice ginger
• 1 scallion, cut into halves
• 3 tablespoons honey
• 1 tablespoon white vinegar
• 1 tablespoon sherry
• 1 1/2 tablespoons cornstarch, dissolved in 3 tablespoons water
• Scallions for garnish

Preparation:

Clean duck. Wipe dry and tie string around neck.
Hang duck in cool, windy place 4 hours.
Fill large wok with water. Bring to boil. Add ginger, scallion, honey, vinegar, and sherry. Bring to boil. Pour in dissolved cornstarch. Stir constantly.
Place duck in large strainer above larger bowl. Scoop boiling mixture all over duck for about 10 minutes.
Hang duck again in cool, windy place for 6 hours until thoroughly dry.
Place duck breast side up on a greased rack in oven preheated to 350 degrees. Set a pan filled with 2 inches of water in bottom of oven.
(This is for drippings). Roast 30 minutes.
Turn duck and roast 30 minutes more. Turn breast side up again. Roast 10 minutes more.
Use sharp knife to cut off crispy skin. Serve meat and skin immediately on a prewarmed dish.
The duck is eaten hot with hoisin sauce rolled in Mandarin Crepes. Garnish with scallion flowerets. Serves 4 to 6.

Now, even for someone as universally well loved and respected as Jim, there are a few lazy friends out there that just aren't willing to make him one of his favorites. For those people, proceed to the nearest Stewart's and get Kettle Cooked Salt & Vinegar Potato Chips (note: if you really like those yourself, get two bags so that one bag actually makes it to Jim).

Happy Birthday Jim, I'm sorry I can't be there this year to give you the bag of chips in person...err, actually I'm not sending chips either, ok, I owe you.